That's French for Grapefruit
by SquirrelMoose Cometh
Summary: Tidus, Irvine, and Zidane venture through different Final Fantasies, to settle a bet on who can get the most dates. I'm not good at summaries.
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Die! Die Necron, die! And you too Vivi! And you as well Kuja! Okay then, now I can write. It's amazing what ideas can pop into your head during a sickness. This is one of them. Hopefully it's a good one.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 8, 9, and 10, or any other stuff already owned. There, now we can move on.

"Oh yeah! Another goal for me!" Tidus did a victory dance and whooped over his shot.

"C'mon Tidus, we've been playing Blitz-ball for hours! It doesn't work on land! Can't we do something that at least two of us are good at?" Zidane complained. For awhile now, the self-proclaimed "ladies men" of Final Fantasy, Tidus, Irvine, and Zidane, had been meeting with each other and doing random things, from going out on the streets and hitting on random girls, to playing Blitz-ball.

"He's right Tidus. Why don't we play cards? Me an' Zidane are both good at that," Irvine suggested.

"But I'm not!" The non-monkey-tailed blonde whined.

"Yeah, that's why you can't get a date!" Zidane teased.

"Can so!" Tidus shot back angrily.

"Oh yeah? In all the Final Fantasies, I'm the only guy who has actually been seen hitting on a girl successfully," the thief taunted.

"That may be true, my young monkey-tailed friend, but some people call me a space cowboy. Some people call me a gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, I don't know why, it's mostly senile old people that do, but I speak the pomple'muse, or however you say it,of love," Irvine said slyly.

"Pomple'muse, I think,is French for grapefruit!" Tidus yelled.

"I know," Irvine said.

"So you speak the grapefruit of love?" asked Zidane.

"You betcha."

The two blondes looked at him oddly, and asked the exact same question. "Where is it, Irvine?"

"Under your grill," he sighed. Tidus went over and lifted his grill from where it stood on the patio. Underneath were about five poppy flowers. "Now c'mon Irvine, what did I tell you about trying to grow your own opium at my house?" Tidus asked angrily.

"Do it at mine?" the marksman asked meekly.

"That's right. Now, Zidane, I believe I have gotten a date before!" Tidus remarked, turning back to his friend.

"Oh? When was this?" Zidane asked mockingly.

"When me and Yuna were kissing in that pond!"

"Oh come on, Tidus! That doesn't count! That's main character stuff with the plot! If that were to count, I suppose all the times me and Dagger hugged would count too, and I would still beat you! Besides, that wasn't a date, that was spinning in a pond, not an actual date." The Tantalus member had once again had beaten Tidus.

"Gentlemen, I believe yours truly would have scored much more than he did if he had come earlier in the game," Irvine argued, now recovered from his brief period of highness.

"Zidane, your airship can take us anywhere, right?" Tidus asked.

"Yeah, why?" Zidane asked.

"Can it go to other lands?" the blonde asked.

"Yes Tidus, otherwise we wouldn't be able to meet like this," Zidane pointed out.

"Then in that case, I have thought of a way to settle this. We all go to different lands and see who can hit on the most girls successfully!" Tidus grinned from ear to ear at his brilliant idea.

"It could work, but I have one rule: No hitting on Dagger, Yuna…and I suppose that's it, since Irvine isn't a main character," Zidane stated. With that, they all climbed aboard the Invincible.

"If we're to follow Zidane's rule, I think we should go to the 7 world. None of us are from there," Irvine suggested.

"Alrighty then, we're off!" Zidane shouted. The Invincible slowly climbed into the air, and shot off in the direction off the metropolis of Midgar.

A/N: Kind of short, I know. They'll get longer! Really! At any rate, let me know if you like it by hitting the nice button in the corner that says go. It will let you review my story, which is good. Until then, I shall be swamped with school work!


	2. Marlene

A/N: Well, I hope I get reviews soon. C'mon, you know you want to!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7, 8, 9, or 10.

"Here we are!" Zidane said. He neatly landed the Invincible on the barren ground outside Midgar. They all gathered on the little pad in the center of the ship and the high-tech airship transported them to the ground.

"Hey, Zidane?" Irvine asked.

"What?"

"Well, how do we know all the FF 7 people are still here? I mean, would you live in Midgar if you didn't have to?"

"Well," Zidane began, "Tifa runs a bar in Midgar, and Scarlet and Elena both work for Shinra, which is based here."

"How do you know all this?" Tidus asked.

"I have my sources," Zidane said slyly.

"You just pay Reno to tell you all this, right?" Irvine guessed.

"I didn't give him money, I gave him alcoholic beverages!" Zidane yelled. "Anyway, why do you care? Would you rather fly around this whole world looking for each girl, only to discover that they were all lived in the same spot? No, and you'd get mad and start shooting people, and we'd all have to show up in court as witnesses!"

Zidane turned and started walking toward the entrance to the midgar slums. Tidus leaned over and whispered, "I didn't catch a single word of that, did you?"

Irvine shook his head. "I only caught two words, and that was, 'shooting people'."

"Think Zidane is packing?" Tidus suggested.

"Well Tidus, I thought we were gonna leave that for our female friends to decide," Irvine began, but was cut off by Tidus sprinting away to find a trashcan. He ran back to Irvine, having been unsuccessful in his hunt, and promptly wretched all over Irvine's boots.

Tidus wiped his mouth and began to speak. "I meant do you think he has a gun you pervert! Aw man, that's beyond sick! I mean, if Reno stringed together some incredibly racy comment while in a drunken fury, I don't think it could be worse than that! This isn't one of those slash stories! Look at the summary!"

Irvine looked at his friend quizzically. "Summary? Story? You been puffing some magic dragons Tidus?"

The blonde blitzer merely let out a sigh and followed Zidane through the gates of the slums with Irvine close behind him. They all walked in silence for some time, before Tidus asked something that neither Zidane, Irvine, or Reno, their now sloshed informant, had thought of.

"Didn't Scarlet die?"

Zidane stopped in his tracks and wheeled on Tidus. "What do you mean?"

"What do you think I mean ya numbskull? She and Heidegger were piloting that giant robot right? But then, Cloud and company killed that robot, right? So, the robot would've exploded, and Scarlet and Heidegger should have died from said explosion. C'mon, they aren't Seymour," Tidus explained. Suddenly, a small pyrefly darted in front of his face.

"I heard that! Remember Tidus I will have the last laugh! You may have sent me to the Farplane, but I will still triumph! And you're supposed to be here too! How in the hell did you get out of here before me, you blonde little airhead…" the pyrefly, or actually Seymour continued to ramble in his angry little voice, which now came out in a comical squeak.

"Wow, there are way too many long speaking parts in here. Bye Seymour!" Tidus said cheerfully as he grabbed the guado and carried him over to the nearest sewer opening, where he dropped the enraged Yevonite. Slums aren't necessarily famous for their fully functional sewer systems, either. Actually, Tidus had just dropped Seymour in the communal hole in the center of the sector.

Finally, they reached Tifa's bar in Sector 5 (it had to be rebuilt after the plate collapse).

"Alright! We'll do Rock, Paper, Scissors to see who goes in first!" Zidane shouted.

"What?" the other two asked.

Zidane sighed. "We each go in and hit on her one by one, got it?"

Tidus and Irvine both nodded exuberantly. They raised their hands into the air and began.

"Woo hoo! I win!" Irvine shouted joyfully.

"I didn't even know there was a symbol for shotgun," Tidus grumbled.

"Kiss your hopes and aspirations goodbye, for this is the beginning of my streak!" Irvine shouted as he turned and walked into the bar door.

He looked around the bar, looking for anything that might help him. However, he noticed something wrong in his survey. Tifa wasn't there. Only a little girl stood behind the counter.

"How may I help you?" she asked.

Irvine walked over hesitantly at first, until he remembered that it was a 6-year-old girl who he was addressing. "Um, actually, you can. Do you know where Tifa went?"

Irvine winced. Little children hardly ever knew any other adult's first name aside from their parent's names! However, to his great surprise, the toddler answered him.

"Mommy isn't here right now. She's helping Cloud and Daddy kill monsters!" she said.

Irvine's first thought before all else was, of course, "_Aw shit!_" Then, he started thinking more reasonably. Tifa didn't have a kid, and furthermore, wasn't married. Also, she had said Cloud _and_ Daddy. That meant…

"Ah, screw it. I'll make it look like I got rejected and see what happens to the others. Might as well get a good prank out of this thing." The conspiring cowboy smashed his head against the pinball machine and threw himself out the door.

Tidus and Zidane rushed over to their badly bruised friend and started to laugh like this was the funniest thing since they saw that Internet picture of the frightened kitty at Tidus's house. His was the only one that had a hookup, since he lived in a gigantic mass of machines that was called a city. Anyway…

"Whoa, you should've seen yourself fly! Your skid mark in the dirt is at least 10 feet long!" Tidus shouted.

"Yeah, so much for your grapefruit of love!" Zidane teased.

Once Tidus had regained his composure, he cracked his knuckles and walked inside. The first thing he noticed was a pinball machine. Pinball was fun! He soon saw the little girl behind the counter and walked over.

"Have you seen Mrs. Lockhart?" he asked, being a little smarter about the minds of the young than Irvine.

This didn't give him a different answer, however. "Mommy's out killing monster's with Cloud and Daddy!"

"Oh, okay." Tidus shrugged and walked over to the pinball machine. He put in his quarter and began to play. About 10 quarters and 20 free-games later, Tidus walked out of the bar. This caused immediate alarm for Zidane. He hadn't been thrown. Had he won?

"Well?" Irvine asked, already knowing the answer.

"I won 60 tickets!" Tidus announced proudly, having completely forgotten everything else that had happened in that bar, except for the montage to "Pinball Wizard" he had made.

"Looks like I get to go last and still win! You guys must really suck," Zidane said over his shoulder as he disappeared into the bar.

Two minutes later, Zidane came running back out, clearly panicking. He reached his comrades and shouted, "Tifa's not there!"

"Relax," said Irvine, who was grinning broadly. "I know where she is."

Relief took control of Zidane's once panicking face. "Really?" he asked.

"Yep. She's outside killing monsters with Cloud and some other guy. Follow me!" Irvine led the group away from the bar and out of Midgar.

Marlene heard a flush from the bathroom. She walked over as Tifa, or her "Mommy" walked out.

"Did anyone come while I was in the bathroom?" Tifa asked.

"Three funny lookin' guys came in. Two of asked where you were, the other one just looked around, screamed, and ran out the door," Marlene replied.

"What did you tell the other two?" Tifa asked warily.

"The monster one."

Tifa sighed with relief. She was glad she didn't have to put up with random men hitting on her any more.

"What were you doing so long in the bathroom?" Marlene asked.

"Taxes. I needed to set the papers somewhere, and the toilet seat was actually cleaner than the counter-top out here," Tifa explained. Marlene quickly took her hands from the counter when this was said and frantically washed them.

A/N: Told you it would be longer. The illiteration happened by accident in the story. I welcome all reviews, including flames!


	3. Montages and Taser Shotguns

A/N: Hey, reviews! Whoopee! (Happy dance) Now I must apologize. See, my computer has had some problems involving a certain Trojan Spy. As I speak (okay, write) the remover thingy is running. So however late this comes, that's the reason!

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7, 8, 9, or 10, or anything else in this chapter that isn't mine.

**PAGE BREAK NOW! **

"Hey, Irvine, how'd you get hit in the head? Tifa wasn't there, and that little girl couldn't have thrown you out, so what happened?" Zidane asked as they weaved through the scrap metal that cluttered the streets of the slums.

Irvine winced. Only now did he realize that his prank really couldn't have done much else other than hurt him. He probably shouldn't have used the corner of the pinball machine to hurt himself with either. However, he wouldn't admit that he had reallyinjured himself. "Well Zidane, it actually was that girl in the bar. Even if she's a 6-year-old, she can still wallop people good," he lied.

"Pfft, of course she did, and I'm really a house plant," Zidane said.

Tidus, on the other hand, was much more gullible. He ran up to the front of their line and walked alongside Irvine. "You think I should've gotten her autograph?" he asked.

"Bar!" Zidane shouted.

"No, Tifa's not there, remember?" Irvine said.

"No! I mean that you should watch out for the-"

But Zidane was too late. Irvine ran right into an overhanging bar from the piles of scrap metal lining the path, doing nothing for his aching head.

"Ow! Son of a-"

"Wire!" shouted Tidus.

Instinctively the other two ducked, but they saw that Tidus was pointing to a long, skinny wire hanging against a graffiti-covered wall.

"Think she's up there?" Zidane asked.

Irvine shrugged. "Worth a shot."

They began to diligently climb the wire, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, sometimes jumping onto random swinging things. They reached the top and pulled themselves up.

They were standing in front of a very tall building that seemed to have had it's top half blown up.

"Aw damn it, this freaking' wire just lead us to the Shinra building!" Irvine yelled.

"I spent 20 minutes trying to jump on a bar for this?" Zidane said to no one in particular.

Tidus looked at Irvine. "You say Shinra?" he asked.

"Yeah, this is their headquarters."

"So," Tidus began, "we can just go in there! Elena and Scarlet both work there, and there's bound to be other girls working there, because Shinra would've been sued by now if there wasn't!"

They all eagerly ran inside. Suddenly, the song "Excitable" by Def Leppard started playing somewhere in the background.

"You thinking' what I'm thinking?" Zidane asked.

"Montage!" they all shouted eagerly.

"Meet up on the 60th floor!" Irvine said as he ran off.

The song got louder now, as each went off to get as many dates as they could. They all had one advantage. None of them were from FF7. So, none of the workers knew who they were, and just assumed them to be from Midgar.

Tidus got lucky and entered the break room on the 31st floor, where some people were taking a coffee break. He made his eyes change from brown to blue, then back to brown, then red by accident, causing him to hiss and grow fangswhileall of the employeesscreamed and/or faintedbefore he changed his eyes back to blue. Then he flashed a quick smile, and counted up the number of fainted people on the floor, not bothering to consider that some of them might've just thought he was a monster,and added them to his score.

Irvine just walked up and down the numerous hallways, scoring many points and one black eye for himself. He had accidentally started to hit on a man who bore a remarkable resemblance to woman from the back. Thanks to Irvine's luck, the man was very homophobic, earning Irvine his black eye.

Zidane had a different method for scoring, of course. He was fairly short, and had a tail. So, they would either think he was cute, or some genetic freak escaped from Nibelheim. Luckily, he was mainly thought of as the first one as he swung around by his tail on the various lights, even if he really was a genetic freak. Only one man saw this, and he tried to chase Zidane down and stab him with a red pen. Zidane escaped the wrath of this enraged scientist and continued racking up points.

Finally, they all met at the 60th floor.

"Sorry gentlemen, but I believe I have won this round by a total of 12 dates," Tidus announced in a snooty voice.

"Well, you'd be right, my dear chum, except I've got 14 dates," Irvine said in a very bad imitation of an English accent.

Zidane couldn't help himself. "You guys suck! I got 19 dates!"

Tidus's eyes flashed to the blood red color that had scared some of the people earlier, but changed quickly back to the brown he had when he entered the building. "So! I'll win anyway!" he said as he stuck out his tongue.

"Any of you guys remember what we're doing in here?" Irvine asked as he scratched his head.

"I think we were trying to find the one person. You know, that guy…" Tidus said.

"Hojo?" Zidane suggested.

"No not him. Some other person."

"Heidegger?" Irvine asked.

Tidus shook his head. "I don't think it was a guy."

"Then why'd you say guy?" Zidane said.

"You know what I mean!" Tidus shouted.

"Scarlett?" Irvine guessed.

"That's the one!"

Suddenly, a small ball of light drifted over to them. "Why are you freaks looking for Scarlett? She's dead! She exploded with that lard ball in the robot!" Seymour yelled.

"Didn't we leave you in a ditch or something?" Zidane said.

"It wasn't a ditch, it was a hole, and a very filthy one at that! But you don't care about how the little pyrefly feels, do you? You don't care if he was stuck in poo for two hours! You three man-ditzes were just having a happy montage to some corny 80's song! Well, I, Seymour Guado, will have my revenge!"

Seymour was to busy ranting to notice that Irvine had pulled out his favorite shotgun and was aiming said boom-stick at the crazed spot of light. A resounding bang echoed throughout the halls, and the Yevon Maester was now a sizzling ball of light on the floor.

"Irvine! You didn't kill him, did you?" Tidus yelled.

"Of course I didn't. I can't shoot something with a high, squeaky voice, or else Rinoa and those Poké things would be dead by now. I merely tasered him, that's all," Irvine explained. "That, and he's already dead".

"Where'd you get a taser shotgun?" Zidane asked.

"You'd be amazed what you can find in your local dump."

Irvine didn't get to finish his story of how he had found his gun, as several Shinra soldiers came running down the hall to investigate the shots. Seeing that Irvine was holding a shotgun, they charged.

"Back to the Invincible! We'll come back later!" Zidane shouted. They quickly made their way out of the building, dodging bullets left and right, though they really didn't need to because Shinra soldiers carried very weak guns that had to hit someone many times before theywere killed.

Once aboard the airship, they took off, not wanting to give any brave soldiers a chance to climb ontowings orengines.

"Where are we going now?" Tidus asked as he walked over to where Zidane was sitting.

"I say we go to Gaia. Shinra won't be able to find us, so we can hide there until the heat's off," Zidane said.

"And score with the ladies," Irvine added. "I've had my eye onthat princess."

Then, seeing the glare Zidane was giving him, Irvine had a sudden urge to go explore the rest of the Invincible.

Another page break

A/N: All right, weird chapter. If you don't like it and actually have good, I repeat, good, suggestions, click the little thingy down there that says submit review. Oh, and the eye color changing thing that Tidus did was because in 10, Tidus's eyes change from blue to brown and back throughout the game. Never red though.


	4. Lowell and Steiner

AN: Greetings all! I haven't updated anything at all for, oh, I guess…at least three months. But now I'm back! For a little while, at least. And if you would like to see Tidus's brown eyes, go to the sphere theater in Luca, and watch the movie where Tidus is looking out at Zanarkand from Mt. Gagazet. And now, on with the chapter!

Zidane smoothly guided the Invincible into the Lindblum airship dock, and the three companions filed out into the castle. As they walked, a guard approached them and said to Zidane, "Master Zidane, Princess Garnet is currently in the Guest Room. Shall I alert her of your arrival?"

"Yeah, sure," Zidane answered, and the guard went off running.

"Master Zidane?" Irvine asked amusedly.

"They've been doing that since I beat Kuja. Now," he continued, "if any of you so much as look at Dagger, you'll find this knife in a particularly uncomfortable place, got it?" he hissed venomously.

"What about that Beatrix? Is she fair game?" Tidus asked.

"Yes, though I wouldn't recommend going after her." With that final warning, Zidane separated from the other two and headed off towards the guest room.

When Tidus and Irvine went their own ways, they had to very different plans in mind. Tidus was going to heed Zidane's warning and go into town. Irvine, on the other hand, was going after Beatrix. She was fair game, and he planned to take full advantage of this "opportunity." Little did he know what was about to happen.

Irvine located her on the second floor, patrolling the hallways. "Why hello there," he said politely, "what are you doing around here? Oh, and may I say, that weird metal eye-patch suits you."

Beatrix eyed him skeptically. She had dealt with too many of these kinds of men in Alexandria. But her patrol was almost up, so she decided to wait for a particular spastic knight who was taking her shift.

"And what are you doing here, Mr…"

"Kinneas, though you can call me Irvine," he said.

Just then, Irvine was very rudely interrupted by the Captain of the Pluto Knights, Adelbert Steiner. Steiner was had been in a very pleasant mood because he had successfully gotten back to the castle without getting lost. Now, however, the rusty knight's mood had turned very sour at the sight of this scoundrel.

"What, pray tell, do you think you're doing with that lady?" he screamed, outraged. "Why, I should take you away right now, or at least crush you myself! Who knows what kind of sinister scheme you have on your mind! Perhaps you are going to try and abduct the queen, hmm?"

_Crap, _Irvine thought, _that's gotta be her boyfriend! _"Look man," Irvine said in a reasonable voice, eyeing Steiner's broadsword nervously, "I wasn't going to try and abduct the queen, and I'm sorry for hitting on your girlfriend."

"What!" Steiner was now positively livid with anger at this oddly dressed miscreant. "Never mind, I should crush you myself!"

"Uh, dude, I have a gun," Irvine explained, "you'd be lucky to get two feet from me."

Nevertheless, Steiner lowered his head and bellowed a war cry before charging the sharpshooter. Irvine didn't want to really kill the guy, so he pulled out the tazer from the previous chapter and pulled the trigger, only to be greeted by a short "click." Irvine looked up at the large man charging him.

"Sh-" was all he managed to say before his breath was driven out of him and he slumped against the wall. A couple of Lindblum guards, finally noticing the situation down the hall, jumped on Steiner before he could lay into Irvine any more.

Tidus, being a bit more on the cautious side, decided to take both of Zidane's warnings seriously, and wandered into Lindblum Castle Town. He then decided to go to the Theater District and see if there were any women there. Girls liked theater, and he was almost guaranteed to end up better than Irvine, though he didn't know it.

Tidus came across a girl by the steps down to the theater. "So, do you like plays?" he asked casually.

The girl looked at him in disgust. "Eww, get away from me. You're not Lowell."

So Tidus took the hint and moved on. But every single time, it was the same answer. Each and every one he talked to, they just looked at him with that same weird look and stated his non-Lowell-ness. "Why can't I be Lowell?" he yelled exasperatedly after the tenth time it happened.

From the alley behind him, someone whispered, "Hey, you, come over hear. I got an offer for you."

Tidus turned and looked at what was speaking to him, and then almost fell over in surprise. Standing there in plain sight was what appeared to be a large-sized version of a moogle doll.

"Uh, what is it?" Tidus asked as he stepped into the alleyway.

"I want you to be me," said the moogle.

"No, I like being a person just fine, thanks!" Tidus backed away from the strange creature quickly.

"I'm not a moogle, I'm a man!" And with that, the moogle reached behind itself and pulled on something behind him. The costume fell away to reveal a pasty, blue-haired, rather scrawny man. Or, at least it looked like a man. Tidus wasn't entirely sure yet.

"Seriously, would you like to be me for a little while?" it had a high-pitched voice too.

"No thanks, I like being a dude," Tidus replied politely.

"You idiot! I am Lowell, the very man you just said you'd like to be!"

"Then why are you dressed in a moogle suit?" Tidus asked, puzzled.

"That is beside the point. Look, I wish to get away from all of these," he paused and waved his hand, trying to think of a word.

"Admirers? Fans? Girls? Fangirls?" Tidus suggested.

"That last one sounds oddly appropriate. Anyway, I seek a few moments of peace. My friend is an artist; he has the right tools for the job. What do you say?" Lowell held out his hand expectantly.

"Yeah, sure, why not?" Tidus shrugged and shook Lowell's hand.

"Good. Now, if you'll follow me." He slipped the moogle suit back on and walked out of the alleyway, Tidus trailing behind him.

A very beat-up and somber Irvine was sitting in the Lindblum Castle guest room, waiting for judgment. He knew Zidane would not be very happy with him, and, to make matters worse, he couldn't leave the room. A voice from the other side of the door reached his swollen ears.

"You wait here Dagger, I have to deal with something first." The door slammed shut from somewhere below the stairwell, and a very angry thief came up the stairs. Once again, Irvine knew what was coming, but that didn't make it any easier.

"Didn't I tell you not to go after Beatrix? Didn't I warn you about what might happen? Weren't you born with a brain?" Zidane asked sharply.

"You didn't say what would happen if we tried," Irvine answered miserably.

"Is that your excuse? Yes, I suppose I didn't say what would happen, because I wasn't sure if she would kill you or if Steiner would! You're lucky he didn't lop your head off on the spot! I always thought you were smarter than Tidus, but I guess I know better now! At least he's smart enough to listen when I warn him about something!" the bandit ranted.

While Zidane was venting his spleen on Irvine, Tidus was in the theater district getting his hair dyed and flattened. When Michael was finished, Lowell stepped in front to view his look-alike.

"It's missing something," he said critically, eyeing the results of the artist's work.

"Your hat?" the artist suggested.

"Of course! That's it, thank you Michael." Lowell took of his hat and plunked it on Tidus's head. "There! That should do it. Meet back here in about two hours. That should be enough time for me to relax, and for you to do… whatever it is you need to." With that, the actor zipped his moogle suit back on went out of the door.

Tidus went back down the stone steps to the theater, where he had been before. He approached the first girl he had talked to, and asked, "So, do you like theater?" Tidus had also tried to imitate Lowell's weird, kind of whispery voice for authenticity.

The girl started to turn around. "I thought I told you to-" she stopped short when she saw that "Lowell" was standing right behind her.

She began to apologize immediately. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I thought you were this annoying blonde guy I saw earlier, I didn't know it was you, I'm so sorry!" she pleaded.

"That's quite alright," Tidus said, ignoring the comment of his annoyingness. "I know that some men can be," here, Tidus stopped to think of some of the things he had heard Lulu use, "thick-headed, loud, and positively piggish," he continued.

"Wow, that's exactly what I was thinking!" the girl said, amazed.

Tidus pushed further. "I, however, am not like those men. That being considered, would you grant me the honor of a night out with you?" Even he didn't know where that came from. Perhaps it was from being around Seymour. His thoughts were interrupted by an ear-splitting screech that had issued from the girl.

"Of course I will!" the girl said, and she let out another one of those screeches and ran off.

Tidus started to wander back to the artist's studio, only to realize he still had about two hours before he was supposed to meet Lowell. With nothing to do, he decided to wander off to the Industrial District.

"There's only one thing for you to do," Zidane said. "Go over and say you're sorry to Steiner."

Irvine began to protest. "Are you crazy? That guy's going to run me through with that sword of his before I can say a word! You just said yourself I'm lucky he didn't chop off my head, and now I'm supposed to _apologize_?"

"That's the idea. Don't worry about getting killed, I'll come with you. However, that doesn't mean he won't try and tear you limb from limb with his bare hands," Zidane said.

So Irvine followed him out of the room and down a couple hallways, until they came outside a large door. Zidane cautiously eased open the door and motioned for Irvine to follow. Inside the room, Beatrix, Steiner, and Dagger were sitting around a table.

"Steiner, I think Irvine has something he'd like to say to you." Zidane spoke slowly, so as not to excite him.

"It doesn't matter what he has to say!" yelled Steiner, throwing a temper tantrum and leaping up and down. "He is a scoundrel who does not deserve the company of civilized people! I was beginning to think some of your Tantalus friends had some honor in them, but I'm forced to reconsider after meeting him!"

"Hey, buddy, I ain't no spider!" Irvine shouted.

"He's not a Tantalus, Steiner, and he normally isn't that stupid," Zidane said. "His brain just took a little break. Now, what was it you were going to say Irvine?"

"I'm sorry for hitting on your girlfriend," Irvine said, kicking the floor with his shoe.

"Do you honestly think that simple words will undo what you did?" Steiner asked.

"That's what I was hoping for," Irvine answered honestly.

"Let him go Steiner," Beatrix said from her spot on the table. "I'm sure that he didn't know better, and that if he tries it again, he'll suffer a horribly painful death. Right?" she assumed.

"Darn right, sister," Irvine answered.

"Don't call me that."

"Right."

Tidus, meanwhile, had reached the Industrial District. He noticed one thing right away. The people of this district didn't seem to fawn over him as the ones in the Theater District. Except for the occasional teenage girl, no one greeted him, or even acknowledged him, for that matter. The hardworking folks here had little appreciation for the lazy, pansy boy actors of the neighboring district.

He entered the restaurant, remembering a story that Zidane had told him about the waitress there and how he mixed her up with Dagger. The waitress was easily recognizable, mostly because she was the only one, with exception to the bartender. So, he made his approach.

"Pardon me. Madam," he said, "but I couldn't help but take notice of you. Would you mind going to dinner later? By the way, my name's Lowell; yes, the Lowell." He looked at her expectantly.

"You're kidding right?" she asked him.

One of the bar patrons turned around and faced him. "Listen buddy," he slurred, "we don't want none of your effeminate good looks around here." Other customers nodded and voiced their agreement.

Then Tidus made a grave mistake. "What, I can't come here because I use shampoo and soap?"

For two seconds, there was complete silence. Then, every single person there got up in unison and slowly approached him. Tidus took one look at the mob and remembered he had seen faces like this before, although these people weren't Yevon-thumping monks. So he bolted out the door, and the mob gave chase. However, he managed to catch an aircab, and ducked back into the studio to wash the makeup off and change his clothes. When he left, however, the mob was still outside, each person glaring at him. He had forgotten to wash his hair. So he took off again, bowling over a couple of Burmecian children on the way.

"See?" Zidane said as he strolled down to the air cab station with Irvine, "I told you he wouldn't kill you."

"Look, I just want to forget about this thing, maybe pick someone up in the Industrial District, and go home," Irvine said miserably.

However, as they waited for a cab, another dropped off its lone passenger.

"Tidus, why's you hair blue?" Zidane asked warily.

"No time to explain, mob coming, must run now!" And with that, he ran off to the dock. Irvine started to follow, and yelled back, "Run first, ask questions later!" which got Zidane going as well, though he was in nodanger.

Zidane jumped into the pilot seat of the Invincible, punching flashing buttons and grabbing the wheel. "Honestly, can't we ever leave somewhere withouta mobcoming after us?" he asked as he looked at the bewildered massof peoplebelow.

"Probably not," the other two said in unison as they pulled out of the dock.

AN: Well, there you go, the first update in almost a year! Hope it was good, and please review. Even if you think it sucks, because mindless praise isn't good.


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